Again

A poem about the effects of anxiety and panic disorder

Nausea dances from the pit of my stomach to the tip of my tongue.
I hunch over the toilet trying to force the feeling out,
But I am unable to purge myself of the knots Anxiety has made.
They are tightly wound by:
grief and
worry and
fear and
insecurity.
My “friend” is visiting,
We are well acquainted.
Unfortunately for me,
The stay is extended.

A flood of tears stream down my face,
My heart beats heavy in my chest,
And I am deafened by its sound.
My thoughts are racing –
Chasing away the positive affirmations I said aloud this morning that fell onto deaf ears like insignificant pebbles falling into an abyss of nothingness…
Negativity consumes me;
I am a slave to a mind who tells me I am not worthy.
My face — splattered with freckles of burst blood vessels from vomiting stomach acid because Anxiety & Panic are visiting — and
you know I don’t eat with my enemies!

My breathing –
Shallow
And
Abrupt.
I am gasping for air — searching for a beacon of hope to save me from drowning and
Choking–
on the perceived notion that something worse is yet to come.
But what could be worse than this?

Should I do it?
Pop a Xanax
Stop feeling everything,
to feel nothing,
Numb the pain,
And hope for something.
I reach for my temporary fix
To this permanent problem,
And though their time has come to an end —
I can’t help but worry when they’ll return again.

The cycle continues.

-N.C.E ❤

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